Current:Home > NewsOpinion: Fat Bear Week debuted with a violent death. It's time to give the bears guns. -WealthSync Hub
Opinion: Fat Bear Week debuted with a violent death. It's time to give the bears guns.
View
Date:2025-04-12 17:19:49
It was only a matter of time before Fat Bear Week turned violent.
The annual online tournament pitting bears who lift heavy forks against their girthy brothers and sisters had a delayed start this year after competitor 469, an adult male bear known as Patches, murdered competitor 402, an adult female.
The gruesome crime was captured on one of the cameras that stream fat bear activity at Katmai National Park and Preserve in Alaska, leading officials to delay the planned Monday night release of the tournament bracket.
The bear competitors in Fat Bear Week must be issued guns
Following the bear community’s traditional one day of mourning – what ursinologists call “The Day of Grrrrrrrrace” – the brackets were released Tuesday. Fat Bear Week 2024 is now underway, allowing people to vote for the bear they believe “best exemplifies fatness and success in brown bears.”
But this shocking one-incident wave of bear-on-bear violence leads me to believe a significant change to this beloved event is in order: Park officials must provide the bears with guns.
The fat bears are literally trying to survive. Why not arm them?
Katmai National Park spokesperson Matt Johnson said in a statement: “National parks like Katmai protect not only the wonders of nature, but also the harsh realities. Each bear seen on the webcams is competing with others to survive.”
That’s right. These jumbo bears are just out in the wild, trying to live their lives and eat as much as possible, trying to be brilliantly large and survive in a world filled with harsh realities. And all it takes to destroy everything is one bad bear like Patches.
I want you to imagine for a moment how things might have played out differently if bear 402 had been armed with a Ruger Super Redhawk Alaskan revolver with a triple-locking cylinder. She would have at least stood a fighting chance against Patches.
Are liberal policies causing a migrant-bear crime wave? Yes, for sure.
But no, these fat bears – likely due to politically correct park policies – are left as sitting ducks. Surely park officials know the only thing that stops a bad bear without a gun is a good bear with a gun (and paws dexterous enough to pull the trigger).
Opinion:Harris' economic speech lacked anger and racism. What's wrong with her?
As this tragic Fat Bear Week unfolds, we’re left with many questions. Who was Patches? Was he in Alaska legally? Or was he one of those dangerous Canadian bears the Biden administration has let run wild across our porous Alaska/Canada border?
What can be done to stop this migrant-bear crime wave that threatens the very fabric of our Fat Bear Week?
The answer is simple and profoundly American: guns. Lots and lots and lots of guns. (Possibly a wall along the Alaska/Canada border as well, but let’s start with guns for now.)
Certainly, nothing bad will happen if we give all the bears guns
Each Fat Bear Week competitor should be issued a rifle and a handgun, along with several fat-bear-size bandoliers of ammo, because those will look kick-ass on a fat bear. (Or on any bear, for that matter.)
For purposes of the competition, Katmai National Park and Preserve will instate a stand-your-ground law for bears. Scoring in the Fat Bear Week tournament will be adjusted to account for the number of “potentially threatening” bears each rotund carnivore shoots. No points will be deducted for accidental shootings. That’s the price of freedom and security.
Opinion:Regarding Fat Bear Week ‒ A letter from Fit Bears demanding equal representation
The most American solution to any problem is to provide firearms
Once the competition is over, the remaining bears will keep their guns, and any future acts of bear gun violence or den shootings will be blamed on “the bear mental health crisis.”
This is the only way to make Fat Bear Week great again, and safe again.
Let’s come together as Americans and do the most American thing we can to help these hefty bears: Wildly exaggerate what’s actually happening to make it sound scary, then add guns to make everything worse.
God bless America and fat bears!
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
veryGood! (437)
Related
- Selena Gomez engaged to Benny Blanco after 1 year together: 'Forever begins now'
- Prince William Joins King Charles III and Queen Camilla for Royal Duties in Scotland
- United Airlines texts customers live radar maps during weather delays
- Lightning strike blamed for wildfire that killed 2 people in New Mexico, damaged 1,400 structures
- Elon Musk's skyrocketing net worth: He's the first person with over $400 billion
- Police fatally shoot suspect allegedly holding hostages at South Dakota gas station
- US agency to fight invasive bass threatening humpback chub, other protected fish in Grand Canyon
- In letters, texts and posts, Jan. 6 victims react to Supreme Court ruling on Trump immunity
- Nearly 400 USAID contract employees laid off in wake of Trump's 'stop work' order
- Copa America 2024: Knockout stage bracket is set
Ranking
- Tom Holland's New Venture Revealed
- Rediscovering Paul McCartney's photos of The Beatles' 1964 invasion
- Britain’s top players at Wimbledon stick to tennis on UK election day
- Separated by duty but united by bond, a pair of Marines and their K-9s are reunited for the first time in years
- Off the Grid: Sally breaks down USA TODAY's daily crossword puzzle, Triathlon
- Saks Fifth Avenue owner and Amazon to buy Neiman Marcus in $2.65 billion deal
- Man charged in connection to mass shooting at Oakland Juneteenth celebration
- Halle Bailey and DDG Share First Photo of Son Halo's Face
Recommendation
California DMV apologizes for license plate that some say mocks Oct. 7 attack on Israel
See How Tom Brady, Glen Powell and More Stars Celebrated Fourth of July
England's Jude Bellingham was a hero long before his spectacular kick in Euro 2024
July 4th food deals: Get discounts at Baskin-Robbins, Buffalo Wild Wings, Target, Jimmy John's, more
Trump's 'stop
Parent company of Saks Fifth Avenue to buy rival Neiman Marcus for $2.65 billion,
The best gadgets to have this summer
Ranger injured and armed person making threats dies at Yellowstone, park says